And What the Hell Can I Do? 

For the first time I can understand why a terrorist just did what he did. I don’t agree nor condone it, but I get it. Before you read into this post any further I need you to know somethings about what I am about to say. These are my opinions, based on articles I have read and news reports that I don’t have faith in but am hoping hold some truth. I would never kill out of spite, rage, or revenge. I would never join a terrorist cell. I do know the feeling of being alone, helpless, and angry. So that is where this post is stemming from. Emotions, not politics. 

If you’ve not seen the videos of men, women, and children being caught up in this war you should watch. I’ll include some links at the end of this if you’d like to see, but they’re hard to view. As a mom of a two year old I have never been more impacted by something so brutal. That, for me, is a problem. It’s not to say I didn’t see the bad and the massacres happening but it’s resonating now. That is someone’s kid. I don’t know why I never saw it like that. I guess I just switched off, the easy way to go. With every war and every conflict there are innocent lives claimed. I also get that this is a nightmare told throughout history, doomed to repeat itself. 

Writing this I feel like I’m spinning in circles. I can’t defend my ignorance to a conflict, we shouldn’t be able to. It does beg the question though, why is this now getting into the national (American) news. Is it because Andrey Karlov was the victim, a man many knew from being a prominent government official in Russia and Turkey- you know the ambassador? On the other hand, murder is murder no matter how you look at it and his assassination was a loss, he had family too. So did so many casualties of this war, where was their national news coverage? Was our election and weather updates too important? I literally have no way of justifying anything that is happening and will happen, because it’s not over. When Mevlut Mert Altintas said, “We made an oath to die in martyrdom…it is revenge for Syria and Aleppo…until they are safe, you will not taste safety.” Did that not spark some sort of ‘oh shit what the hell are we doing to get this under control and get the innocents safe’ moment? You’d like to hope. Instead this fire to fight fire moment has turned into an act of terrorism and rightfully so, I mean it is. Come on though! There is a war already ruining so many lives. What are we going to do? 

And down the rabbit hole we go… what can we do? What can we do? What can I do?… I have never gone to war. I have never faught a war. I have never been a victim of war. I have never visited an active war zone. I went to Dachau once and that’s as close to ‘so this is what death and destruction of a people feels like’ and that was decades after Dachau was liberated and cleaned up for public consumption. I am a middle class white girl writing this in the comfort of her town home,  with a sleeping child upstrairs, and the only complaint I have right now is my cat won’t just go lie down somewhere that isn’t my wrists while I’m trying to dictate my thoughts. What can I do? 

I still have no fucking clue. That’s why I’m writing this. I see the memes of the now famous photograph of the assasin, taken by the brave AP photographer Burhan Ozbilici. Seriously? We ask ourselves ‘What can we do to make a difference? What can we do to help?’ And then a day later circulate a meme and go on blindly? Cool guys, real cool. It’s unreal. This is the reality. This is what those refugees see. You know those videos of the victims saying “this may be my last tweet or last time you hear from me”? Do you not see that they are pleading with you, me, and everyone of importance as well to get off our computers trying to think of anything but what is going on and actually make ourselves aware? We have people knowingly writing us the last things they’ll ever write and we are laughing at a meme about a terrorist who just stood up for them. 

Yeah so like I said, spinning in circles. Drink this. Eat that. Remain unaware but also hyper vigilant and involved. 

I have no sympathy for Mevlut Mert Altintas, he knew what he was doing and he knew he would probably die doing it. He committed murder, an act of terrorism. I do get why he felt like he had no other option. He’d gotten to the bottom of the rope and said “fuck it I’m doing this because someone has to bring attention to this”. And we realize that it’s not the attention he was seeking for Aleppo, for Syria. It’s all focused on his act of terrorism. And yeah I get that too. The news focuses on what it wants, we are aware of that. 

I have NEVER once in my life ever thought I would have a wake the fuck up moment from an act of murder but here I am. Not just Ambassador Karlov’s murder, but the civilians. The babies and kids that never get to grow up and see what normal is. I will do what I can financially to support relief efforts. I’m not a religious person, but bless the White Helmets. If you don’t know who they are I’ll post a link explaining. I will continue educating myself. Never turning a blind eye because Netflix has a new season of something distracting on… and go from there. Volunteer. We have refugees coming over who need help with jobs and education. I may sound like a bleeding heart liberal and fucking right I probably am, but I’m also a human and so are they. 

So yeah. There is literally no wrap up to this thing I’ve written. No ‘in conclusion’ statement. I know people are going to look at what I’ve written and say what the fuck is this? That’s fine. Here are some links with labels, probably not easy to watch for the majority. 

White Helmet links: 


Links to videos: 


4 thoughts on “And What the Hell Can I Do? 

  1. I am so touched by what you have written and it has got me thinking and seeing things from different perspective. I see terrorists as inhumane but I never stopped to think that they’re someone child who one way or the other wanted to be heard because they thought something has to be done. I also don’t condone terrorism but What can I also do? This is very deep. Thank for sharing this. I have never read anything like this concerning terrorists.


    1. Thank you, I’m glad you took time to read and consider what I had to say. It wasn’t an easy thing to write or find out how I actually felt. I hope, soon, more people will see things differently and not just remain complacent. -JJ

      Liked by 1 person

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